Post by Rus on Apr 28, 2023 1:32:40 GMT
Although I left the realm of the Jehovah's Witnesses over 45 years ago, the impact of those early years still, in many ways, blight my adult life.
Personally, I believe I was the victim of a perfect storm of coincidences that led to numerous continuing neuroses that remain with me till this day. My mother answered the door to two 'brothers' in 1970 when I was aged seven. Due to her own profound dissatisfaction with her life at that time, she couldn't have been more vulnerable to their malign influence.
Prior to joining the witnesses, my mother had confided in me that she had never loved my father but that he had begged her to stay. This obviously had a deleterious effect on my young mind, encouraging me to harbour thoughts that my mother might leave me and my younger brother. I believe my mother is a narcissist. She revealed to me at this time that: "She loved me more than my brother". She obviously thought this would make me feel loved but in fact I was horrified that she would tell me this. Not only did I feel a profound sadness for my lovely little brother, but, on a selfish note, I think I also understood that her favouritism was contingent on my remaining in her good books. Also, whether or not one believes in Freud's notion of the Oedipus complex, I suppose I felt that I had supplanted my own father as my mother's primary love.
When my mother joined the Jehovah's Witnesses I then had to deal with her telling me that she and I must love god above all else. Having become my mother's main love interest ( not literally of course but however this played out in my seven-year-old mind) I simply couldn't except god taking my place, which led to continual, unrelenting friction between us throughout my childhood and beyond. Coupled with this, of course, was the unspeakably vile threat that should I not succumb to their teachings then I would die and my mother would abandon us for her place on 'paradise earth'. As a result of this I ended up with fear of abandonment which played out in the most terrifying way.
So that I could remain constantly vigilant in case my mother abandoned us, I constructed a 'monster god' that had the effect of keeping me awake all night so that I could make sure my mother didn't leave in the night. The monster god manifested itself as a werewolf (still sends shivers down my spine as I write this). I spent the whole night watching the handle of my bedroom,...waiting for it to slowly turn. I could only sleep when I heard the milkman on his delivery rounds - the same time that my father would be about to wake to take on my perceived duty of keeping an eye on my mother. I very rarely went to school, thinking up all manner of ailments so I could remain at home to continue the unenviable task. Throughout my childhood I survived on around two hours sleep a night, so even when I was occasionally compelled to go to school I would fall asleep in class or be anxious that I couldn't attend to my fears of abandonment.
This continued in my adult life. I found it extremely difficult to find work because being constrained by the clock meant I wasn't free to check up on my mother. I suppose now I can look at things with more objectivity due to understanding why I acted the way I did. Here, therapy did help. However, even now were I to be alone with my mother when she talks about the demonic my reaction would be to leave the vicinity in a state of high anxiety. Strange that things have come full circle, and I, apart from the most cursory attempts at contact, have abandoned my mother.
Personally, I believe I was the victim of a perfect storm of coincidences that led to numerous continuing neuroses that remain with me till this day. My mother answered the door to two 'brothers' in 1970 when I was aged seven. Due to her own profound dissatisfaction with her life at that time, she couldn't have been more vulnerable to their malign influence.
Prior to joining the witnesses, my mother had confided in me that she had never loved my father but that he had begged her to stay. This obviously had a deleterious effect on my young mind, encouraging me to harbour thoughts that my mother might leave me and my younger brother. I believe my mother is a narcissist. She revealed to me at this time that: "She loved me more than my brother". She obviously thought this would make me feel loved but in fact I was horrified that she would tell me this. Not only did I feel a profound sadness for my lovely little brother, but, on a selfish note, I think I also understood that her favouritism was contingent on my remaining in her good books. Also, whether or not one believes in Freud's notion of the Oedipus complex, I suppose I felt that I had supplanted my own father as my mother's primary love.
When my mother joined the Jehovah's Witnesses I then had to deal with her telling me that she and I must love god above all else. Having become my mother's main love interest ( not literally of course but however this played out in my seven-year-old mind) I simply couldn't except god taking my place, which led to continual, unrelenting friction between us throughout my childhood and beyond. Coupled with this, of course, was the unspeakably vile threat that should I not succumb to their teachings then I would die and my mother would abandon us for her place on 'paradise earth'. As a result of this I ended up with fear of abandonment which played out in the most terrifying way.
So that I could remain constantly vigilant in case my mother abandoned us, I constructed a 'monster god' that had the effect of keeping me awake all night so that I could make sure my mother didn't leave in the night. The monster god manifested itself as a werewolf (still sends shivers down my spine as I write this). I spent the whole night watching the handle of my bedroom,...waiting for it to slowly turn. I could only sleep when I heard the milkman on his delivery rounds - the same time that my father would be about to wake to take on my perceived duty of keeping an eye on my mother. I very rarely went to school, thinking up all manner of ailments so I could remain at home to continue the unenviable task. Throughout my childhood I survived on around two hours sleep a night, so even when I was occasionally compelled to go to school I would fall asleep in class or be anxious that I couldn't attend to my fears of abandonment.
This continued in my adult life. I found it extremely difficult to find work because being constrained by the clock meant I wasn't free to check up on my mother. I suppose now I can look at things with more objectivity due to understanding why I acted the way I did. Here, therapy did help. However, even now were I to be alone with my mother when she talks about the demonic my reaction would be to leave the vicinity in a state of high anxiety. Strange that things have come full circle, and I, apart from the most cursory attempts at contact, have abandoned my mother.